Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
