Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
