Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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