I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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