Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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