the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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