u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
