Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
