Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
