If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
