wakey wakey hands off snakey
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
