I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
