is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
