My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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