I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
