her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
