all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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