who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
