Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
