a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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