how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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