5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
