Don't make out with my wife yet
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Randomize
