My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
