you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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