I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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