What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
