I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Less talking, more tequila
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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