Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
