i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
