I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
