he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
