She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
