I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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