does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize