My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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