Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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