not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
