I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
