I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
