We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
