I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize