I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
