fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
