I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
