You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
