i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
