omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
