I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
