I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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