dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
