This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
