I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
