hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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