I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
