A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
