I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
