toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
