She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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