My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
