Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
