I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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