so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
